Feedback and changes for my essay

On this blog post I will show you some of the feedback that I received from my tutor and some of the changes:

The feedback for the first Paragraph is to write a better hook and also to put Afghanistan in context by discussing briefly the history and where they are now.

Afghanistan is a country in south central Asia. For many years, In this country there is a big problem. This problem is the inequality between people, specifically women are considered inferior. Goverment and general women have to do something about this problem because al people have the right ti live normal. The equality is very good value for each person. Frances Wright suggested that the equality is the soul of liberty there is, in fact, no liberty without it. The topic that I will discuss in this essay is the inequality that there is in Afghanistan.

The feedback for the second Paragraph is to do more researc and to summarise the points

To sum up, we live in the year 2021 but still in some countries in this world there is inequality and abuse for women. The history of the Afhanistan is very significant because this is the path they took to get in these days,with some difficulties the Μen are more responsible for this issue because they underestimate the women . In this country is not fair for everyone. Some women, specifically the poor women cannot study in this country. Women have to claim their rights because they deserve it.

You can see some changes that my Tutor suggested to me in the next picture:

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